Dear Mental Health Professional,

My son has only been back at school for a few weeks, and I already feel like I’m getting messages from his teacher almost every day about his behavior.

He’s in first grade, and honestly, this isn’t completely new. He had a lot of behavior issues in kindergarten, too. Things seemed to get better toward the end of last school year, so I was really hoping this year would be different, especially since he’s at the same school and already knows the teachers and routine.

But so far, it’s been pretty much the opposite. When he has a bad day, his teacher usually asks me to come pick him up. I’ve tried talking with her because I don’t think sending him home is helping. Of course, when he gets home, he’s happy to be there, so I feel like it’s almost rewarding the behavior. But I also feel bad knowing he’s having a hard day and making things more difficult for his teacher and the rest of the class.

I’ve tried talking to him about it. I’ve tried punishing him when he gets sent home. Nothing seems to make a difference. At this point, I feel like I’ve tried everything and I’m running out of ideas.

If this is how things are going after only a few weeks, I’m worried about what the rest of the school year is going to look like.

Sincerely,
All Out of Ideas

Dear All Out of Ideas,

What you are describing is a very common reason we see parents bring younger children into services. Many parents express the same frustrations you are feeling. They try different things at home, but still don’t see a change in what is happening at school.

When it comes to managing behavior and reinforcing positive behavior, the younger the child, the more immediate the response needs to be. This may help explain why discipline at home does not seem to be making much of an impact. By the time your child gets home, he is removed from the situation, and some time has passed since the behavior occurred. He may not fully understand why he is being punished at home for something that happened at school.

Parents also often feel like they are not on the same page with school staff when it comes to addressing their child’s behavior. The good news is there are some steps you can take to help create a plan that everyone can work on together.

1. Request a Meeting: A good first step is to talk with your child’s teacher about setting up a meeting to discuss the behavior concerns. This is a good opportunity to ask what behavior strategies are being used in the classroom and whether the teacher has noticed any patterns. For example, does the behavior happen at a certain time of day, during a certain activity, or in a particular situation?
   
   Understanding when and why the behavior is happening can give you and the teacher an opportunity to problem-solve together. You may be able to come up with a plan that can be used at school and reinforced at home. It may also be helpful to include the school counselor in this conversation so they can provide additional support.
   
   Try to think of this meeting as an opportunity to work together, rather than a meeting about what your child is doing wrong. The goal should be finding ways to support your child and help him stay in the classroom and continue learning.

2. Give It Time: The school year is still very new, and both students and teachers are getting to know each other. Your child is adjusting to a new classroom, new expectations and a new routine. It can take some time for everyone to find their rhythm.
   If you are able to create a plan with the teacher, remember that it may also take some time to see whether that plan is working.
   
   Stay in communication with the teacher during this time so you can talk about what is going well, what is not working and whether anything needs to be adjusted.

3. Only Remove Him When Required: You are not necessarily required to pick up your child every time his teacher calls and asks you to come get him. If the teacher tells you that you need to pick him up, ask whether this is a formal classroom or school removal.
   
   If it is not a formal removal, you can let the teacher know that you would like to work together on other ways to support your child in remaining at school. If it is a formal removal, you should pick up your child and request documentation from the school office.
   
   This conversation may feel uncomfortable, but having documentation of what is happening can be very helpful if you need to advocate for your child later. It is also important to remember that every time your child is removed from the classroom or school, he is missing valuable learning time.
   
   If you do not feel comfortable having this conversation with the teacher, you can also ask to speak with the school counselor for support.

4. Request a Formal Evaluation: If you have tried these steps and the concerns continue, it may be time to make a formal request for an evaluation through the school.
   
   I always recommend that parents I work with review the guide created by the Ohio Department of Education and Workforce: A Guide to Parent Rights in Special Education
   
   This guide explains your rights, as well as your child’s rights when it comes to accessing education. It also walks you through the process of requesting an evaluation and what you can expect along the way.
   
   Be sure to make requests in writing and ask for documentation so you can keep track of the concerns that have been raised and where the school is in the evaluation process.

My final piece of advice is don’t hesitate to ask for help if you need it. As I mentioned in the beginning, this is a very common concern that our youth department sees with both new and existing clients. Our team is experienced in supporting children and families, as well as working with schools to make sure everyone is on the same page.

Most importantly, remember that you and your child’s school are working toward the same goal: helping your child succeed and remain in school. The focus should be on understanding what your child needs and finding ways to support him.

If you or your child needs additional support for your mental health, you can contact us at 419-841-7701 to discuss setting up a new patient appointment!

Sincerely,

Leslie LeFevre, PhD, LPCC-S

Clinical Director of Youth Services