Dear Mental Health Provider,

I’ve been having a really hard time lately with my anger and patience, especially with my kids. I’m a single mom of two young children, and it feels like I never get a moment to myself. The more time I spend overwhelmed, the quicker I am to snap—and then comes the guilt for raising my voice or losing my patience.

My family offers to help by watching the kids, but if I’m not working, I feel guilty accepting it. I already miss time with them because of my job, so when I do have time, I want to be present. But at the same time, I’m exhausted from feeling angry all the time. I don’t want this to keep happening.

Please help.

Sincerely,
Guilty Mom

Dear Guilty Mom,

First, I want to wish you and all the moms and mother figures who happen to be reading this a very Happy Mother’s Day!

Mom guilt is absolutely normal and something many caregivers struggle with, even myself from time to time. It can be difficult having the feeling that you never have enough time to accomplish everything you wish you could in a day, especially when it comes to balancing parenting roles with other roles outside of the home, such as work.

When you find yourself feeling guilty about spending time away from your kids, it can be helpful to remind yourself that you are modeling self-care for your kids and taking time to practice self-care will make you a better, more present caregiver during stressful moments. When you spend all day completing tasks at your job, you come home with a drained battery that makes it hard to continue giving to your kids until you take the time to recharge.

Remember that it doesn’t have to be anything super time-consuming or expensive in order to be effective. Even something as simple as taking a short walk, listening to your favorite music, or having a sweet treat can help boost your mood. For example, I tend to get drained when I have to interact with a lot of people throughout my work day, so by the time I get home, I’m exhausted and feel on edge any time my kids ask me for something. Taking even 5-minutes to myself to sit in silence (and sometimes in the dark!) to breathe and just be alone does wonders to help me reset my mindset to “mom mode” when transitioning from work.

You mention having supports willing to help out with the kids, absolutely take them up on it! I am sure they see how hard you work to provide for your kids and want to make sure you feel supported in that role. I understand the guilty feelings related to wanting to spend time with your kids when you aren’t occupied by work, but again, you need to remember that oftentimes taking these moments to yourself can make the moments when you are with your kids even more special. You will also be able to appreciate the moments with your kids more when you are relaxed and in a better headspace by taking care of yourself. You are also modeling healthy coping mechanisms for your kids, so they will be more likely to use these in the future.

One final thing that I would like to bring awareness to is that moms tend to put themselves on the back burner and ignore signs of stress or potential underlying mental health concerns. We are used to taking care of everyone else and making sure all the people in our lives have their needs met before we address our own. However, it’s important to remember that we can give more when we also take care of ourselves, because we won’t drain our batteries as quickly. If you continue to struggle with anger and irritability, it can be a sign of an underlying mental health concern, such as anxiety or depression. Do not hesitate to seek a few sessions with an EAP therapist through your work, find a support group, or seek ongoing mental health services, as this added support can go a long way. If you decide you could benefit from extra support, don’t hesitate to reach out for help! Zepf Center’s adult therapy department provides both in-person and virtual options. You can contact us at 419-841-7701 or visit our website for more information!

Sincerely,

Leslie LeFevre, LPCC-S, PhD
Clinical Director of Youth Services

If you have a topic, question, or issue that you would like to learn more about, submit it to me by emailing [email protected]! If you are interested in further support for your child and want to learn more about the services we offer at Zepf Center, call 419-841-7701 to schedule a new patient appointment.