How Can I Support My Kids After Hearing about a School Shooting?
In 2018, I wrote an article about How To Talk to Your Children After a School Shooting. Below, you will find the article in its entirety, as the tips are the same. Comforting children and addressing a traumatic event can be done by talking about it at an age-appropriate level, promoting the positive while ensuring safety, and taking care of yourself as you are the one taking care of others.
It is now four years later, and unfortunately, we are forced to revisit this same topic after another deadly school shooting in Uvalde, TX. It is reported by NPR that this is the 27th school shooting this year in 2022. After a worldwide pandemic, the worst financial distress our Nation has seen in decades, and a divisive political landscape, we are tired. Children are tired. Because of these factors, I worry that tips on how to process this event with children isn’t enough.
A common question I get asked is “How do I know I need help?” or “How do I know when my kid needs help?” It’s normal to feel sad and emotional when watching a tragedy unfold in front of us, either on TV, in our community, or in our own lives. It’s normal to feel anxious, sad, and/or angry when something happens that is out of our control or causes uncertainty.
Below is a list of items to consider reaching out to a therapist, psychiatrist, medical practitioner, or even telephone helplines, like National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273- TALK (8255) and locally, Zepf Center Crisis Care Helpline 419-904-CARE (2273).
- Thoughts of hurting self or others? Both self-harm and suicidal thinking are common in depression and anxiety, and there is help.
- Feelings of sadness, hopelessness and loss of interest in things we used to enjoy.
- Signs of withdrawal from others, isolation, or loss of motivation.
- Changes in sleep patterns, getting too much sleep, or not enough.
- Changes in appetite, eating too much, too little, or binging/purging behaviors.
- Changes in alcohol or drug use, increasing risky behaviors.
- Intrusive (unwanted) and repetitive thoughts, that are causing distress that we can’t dismiss.
Original article published June 6th, 2018.
How To Talk to Your Children After a School Shooting
I feel that punch in my stomach every time a breaking news story flashes on my phone, “School shooting in Florida/California/Texas”, and the list goes on and on. So far in 2018, there have been 22 school shootings.
I don’t understand how people can hurt others like this, and I have worked in mental health for the past ten years. We cannot explain the actions of others, but we all feel the consequences and we are left with the aftermath of picking up the pieces. How can we comfort our children when our minds are racing, and our hearts are broken? Just try. There are no magic words, no therapeutic tricks that can comfort broken hearts or erase terrible trauma. We provide a soft space for our children to land when they are scared, we answer questions to the best of our ability and just try our best.
There are some things that can help guide your conversations that have helped me in speaking to my patients, my family and friends and my very young children who have overheard something that they aren’t capable of understanding.
First, know your audience.
No one knows your child better than you and what they can handle and how much information is too much. Err on the side of caution. Letting them ask the questions and guide the conversation may give you an insight into how much they know and what they are actually questioning.
For children in elementary school, less information is best. General statements, “Something bad happened today and some people got hurt. You may hear others talking about this and I want you to talk to me if you have any questions or feel bad about what you heard.” It is better if your children hear bad news from you first.
Junior High and High School students are able to understand more, question more and identify and discuss their feelings. Open and honest conversations are encouraged, processing thoughts and fears, but not oversaturating our children with the news and social media sites. Older and more mature children may benefit by action, turning a negative into a positive by volunteering, donating blood, money or resources. Children too young for school, who are not directly affected by school violence, cannot comprehend these tragic events, and are left feeling confused and scared. It is suggested to shield them from these news stories.
Also know, that while you are the most important person to help them heal, they may need more. Be vigilant on how they are feeling, and please seek additional services. Therapists and medical professionals are specifically trained to help process these events.
Second, promote the positive.
While the world seems sad, scary and always changing, go out of your way to show your children that there is absolutely more good than bad. Discuss the uplifting new stories locally and nationally. Find examples of kids doing great things, discuss ‘funny but true’ news stories and new scientific discoveries. Laugh with your children and talk about dreams and goals, ideas, and memories.
Drowning out the sad and scary images of the world with laughter and new ideas, can help kids sleep better at night and get moving in the morning.
Third, take care of yourself.
Have you ever heard someone say “put on your own oxygen mask first”? The idea is that you cannot be of any help to someone, if you aren’t taking care of yourself. Process how you’re feeling about what is happening around you, talk with others and strengthen your own support system. If your children see you struggling, they will struggle. Be a good example, if you need to talk to someone, reach out. Help is out there.
“Always look for the helpers,” she’d tell me. “There’s always someone who is trying to help.” – Fred Rodgers, on what his mother would tell him after seeing something frightening on the news.